Tuesday, October 18, 2011

The pain of other's

From the very beginning of this process we have seen and experienced other peoples pain and heartache. We've been privy to ultra personal information about the lives of complete strangers we would never meet. Today was our 1st visit to court in the process of Hayley's adoption. I was not prepared for the pain and heartache that was in that room today it was literally palpable.  There is no problem with Hayley's adoption no worries! Adoption is a wonderful amazing thing but it's easy to forget that there is a side to it where people are hurting. There are birth mother's and birth father's, Grandpa's and Grandma's and many times siblings. It's easy to sometimes look at people who have made bad decisions and say "Well, you deserve what you get, you shouldn't have made those bad choices etc, etc and write them off. There are consequences for making bad choices and many times they are just. However, we can't think they don't feel pain that they don't hurt.

This will sound like I am off my rocker but I'm glad we've seen and heard the things that we have in this process. It has opened my eyes in ways that would never be possible otherwise. It has changed the way I think and the way that I feel. It is easy to take on other peoples pain and it can really drag you down if you let it. But it can also be life changing. It can motivate you to see beyond your own little circle. It can propel you to become a prayer warrior. For all of the pain and sorrow we have seen we have seen even more of God's love and grace at work. Every time I look into my daughter's eyes I am overwhelmed by God's love for me. I think about how much I love Hayley. How I would walk through fire for her. How there is nothing she could ever do to make me love her less. Then I am really overwhelmed thinking that God loves me infinitely more than that. He reminds me that he is greater, greater than all of the pain, greater than all of the sadness, greater than all of it!

Thursday, October 13, 2011

From 0 to Toddler overnight!

So it has been a very long time since I've blogged! Forgive me, spending time with my lil beauty has taken precedence over anything else! Being a mother is such a blessing and a gift. I find myself missing her once she goes to bed at night. I still stand above her crib staring at her when I check on her at night.

It is quite the transition to go from 2 adults and 2 dogs to 2 adults, 2 dogs and a very active toddler! I used to take something to help me sleep, not now!! Hayley is full of fun and energy and is such a little comedian! Many times throughout the day I find myself hiding my face so she won't see me laughing.

We are now in the potty training stage which comes with it's own set of hilarity. Everyday when she sits on the potty she insists that I sit on mine and go "peep peep or poof" otherwise known as #1 and #2. I've learned to go to the bathroom on command now! She is also quite interested in everyone elses bathroom habits. She asks anyone who walks out of a bathroom anywhere "Did you go poof?" I just smile and say "potty training."

The other day someone said "lookout you're in the terrible two's." I was offended. I am calling them the Terrificc Two's. Yeah there may be a meltdown now and then because I won't let her run around with a pen in her hand. Yeah, I've had to chase her around the house to get a pull up on and once as I was chasing her as she laughed hysterically she began pooping as she ran sans pull ups. Then one day at dinner she asked me for candy and in a sing song voice I said "No candy, eat your dinner" and she promptly mocked me with the same sing song voice. I had to leave the room to laugh. But all of that is terrific to me all of that is well worth it! The "terrific twos" also have her running up to me and hugging me out of the blue while saying "my mom, my mom and cuddling with me and giving me tiny kisses and laughing. All well worth it!!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Dreams Come True!!

Some things are so precious, so magical that you want to keep them to yourselves and hold them so tight. We have have experienced that magical, precious feeling. Tomorrow Wednesday August 17th our daughter will be placed in our home. For those of you that had no clue that this happened I will go back in time about two months ago...................

I had decided that I would make new profile books for our adoption. We had tons of great new pictures and I felt that maybe new profile books would invigorate our chances of being chosen. I think that day or a couple days after I placed the order we got an email from our caseworker telling us about a precious lil 2 year old girl. Like I did every time we have ever received I called Ryan and read it to him. We decided that we would pray about it like we always did and decide if we wanted our profile to be shown. We decided that yes we would have our profile shown.

Some time went by not much at all compared to some. I received the call that we were one of the families that had been chosen to be interviewed! I felt like I was in a dream so excited so nervous. I don't think that I slept until we met with the caseworkers later that week. We both felt that it all went really well that we had a really great chance. We waited a weekend and on a Tuesday morning I got the call that I had been aching for for what seemed like forever. We had been chosen we were the ones!!

So tomorrow she will be home for good. She is the most precious girl who has Daddy wrapped around her fingers already. When she runs into my arms I melt I feel overwhelmed with emotions that I didn't know existed. Our entire situation has been better than I ever could have dreamt of. Everyone involved has been above and beyond wonderful.

I am in awe of God's goodness and love for me. To think that before I was born, before Ryan was born before our daughter was born he chose US to be her parents. People keep telling us how blessed she is to have us and I think "No, how incredibly blessed we are to have her!!!" I could fall to my knees and thank God for this gift day and night and it wouldn't be enough. His love is so tremendous so utterly big and precious. I am honestly having a hard time expressing how amazing this all really is.

So I am now who I was born to be; a wife and a mother. My God has done exceedingly, abundantly more than I could ever have imagined or dreamt of!!!

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Your Father :)

To my little precious one,

Today is Father's Day so I thought that I would take some time to tell you what a wonderful father you will have. Your have the best daddy in the world. He is the most patient, calm man that I have ever known. When I get sad because you're not here yet  he is the one who helps to remind me that God has perfect timing and you will be here very soon. He loves you so much already and can't wait to hold you in his arms. Your daddy loves sports so I'm sure he will teach you how to play every sport on earth. Sometimes I catch daddy going into your bedroom and just looking around smiling my heart melts when I see him in there. Here's a tip it won't be too hard for you to get daddy wrapped around your little fingers just ask your cousins! He has a hard time saying no to cute little faces! He wants to give you the world. Another tip, your dad gives great advice so make sure you pick his brain now and then. I hope you will like Mexican food because your daddy plans on taking you to eat it with him all time. I"ll let that be you're thing with your dad I've had my fill of burritos over the last couple years with him. So to sum it up you have a pretty great dad who is funny, sweet, caring and I will add adorable! He loves you and can't wait for you to be home with us.


Sunday, June 12, 2011

The Quiet

Our house has been filled with kids for the past two weeks. My 3 year old niece and 4 year old nephew, along with their 6 year old brother and 10 year old sister have been here visiting us from Ohio. Let me preface what I am about to say by 1st saying that, they are very well behaved kids. However, when you go from having no kids in the house to having 4 of varying ages it can get very loud! We aren't very loud around here when the kids aren't here. Well scratch that Ryan is never loud!! I have a loud booming Italian voice but Ryan has really helped me quiet down too. I mean how loud and boisterous can 2 adults and 2 small dogs be?

There are times during the week that I am exhausted when they are here. However, the same thing happens every time they leave us. Ryan usually takes them to meet their parents (we can't all fit in one car when they are all here) about an hour and a half from here halfway between our homes. I kiss them all goodbye and pray for them as they leave then I start cleaning the house. Then as I am cleaning the house I realize how incredibly quiet it is in here. It's so quiet I can't hear anything. Then I begin to cry because I miss them so much and I realize I miss the loud, I miss the rush of kids flying by me, I miss the funny things they say and do. I woke up not feeling well because I think that I stressed myself out so much over thinking about them leaving. I'm not alone. When Ryan gets home his eyes will be red because he has been crying too. We will go outside and plant something or watch something on TV and try to ignore how quiet it is in here.

I have total faith in God that he will bring us a baby that will one day soon make our house very loud.

Sunday, May 15, 2011


So we are back from vacation. It was so needed. I really made my very best effort to not think about adoption or anything for that matter. I feel like I did really well too considering we knew that an expectant mother was looking at our profile. We are still waiting to find out what that outcome will be. I will say when you are trying to suspend reality Disney World is the place to do it! I felt like a little kid it was truly one of the best vacations that we have ever been on. We went to all 4 of the parks and spent 2 days at Universal. Ryan had always thought that he wouldn't have fun there without kids, he was wrong! He had a blast he rode every ride at least once. I can vomit at the drop of a hat so I don't ride much so I enjoyed the air conditioned gift shops while everyone else rode the crazy rides that I couldn't handle. I found myself thinking about our future children. How could I not there are children everywhere! However, I didn't find myself getting sad I kept thinking and planning what we would do when we go back with our kids. I had so much fun I can't imagine how much fun it will be seeing it through my children's eyes.

We spent the last 2 days of vacation going to Universal. Honestly, after being at Disney, Universal looked like a local community park in comparison. But they do have some really cool things there. I was thrilled to see Seuss Landing. It is an entire section filled with rides and shops dedicated to Dr. Seuss. I love Dr. Seuss and the baby's room is decorated in Dr. Seuss so that was fun. The rides in that area were also very mild so I could ride them!

As wonderful as vacation was it does feel good to get back to things at home. I feel refreshed and I am excited about what our future holds!

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Happy Easter Precious One

My precious baby,

Today is Easter and I am thinking about you a lot. Today we celebrate Jesus and what he has done for us. I can't help but cry when I think about what he did for us. Not just what he did but what he continues to do for me. When I get sad because you're not here with us yet he always reminds me that he is in control and he knows the best time for you to join us. When I get impatient and I stress because I want to hold you so bad he calms me down and I'm reminded that he will give me strength and grace I need while I wait for you. He has such big plans for your life I can't wait to see them unfold. I don't even know your name yet and I love you so much. When I hold you in my arms for the first time I think I may burst from joy!! Daddy and I can't wait to make you an Easter Basket! Daddy says I'm a chocolate snob and that I'm picky about my chocolate. I am but we are lucky to live close to 2 of the best chocolate/candy shops in the area. So every year once you can eat it I will get you a big chocolate egg just like my Pap used to get me. But you have to share with mama!! Every year we color Easter eggs with the family you will love it we have such a great time. The whole family can't wait to meet you. Lauren told me the other day she wants to be called Aunt Lauren even though she is your cousin. She said "No, I will be called Aunt Lauren!"  I'll warn you that there will be tons of pictures of you wearing adorable Easter gear. You'll have pictures with Mommy and Daddy,Violet and Ellie and Grandma and Grandpa Cisco and we can't forget Aunt Morgan and your cousin Malik! I think I've already told you I plan to wallpaper the house with your pictures. I'm really not kidding! I love you so very much and I can't wait to hold your tiny hands in mine and tell you in person how much I love you.

Happy Easter my precious little one
Love, Mama