Sunday, April 24, 2011

Happy Easter Precious One

My precious baby,

Today is Easter and I am thinking about you a lot. Today we celebrate Jesus and what he has done for us. I can't help but cry when I think about what he did for us. Not just what he did but what he continues to do for me. When I get sad because you're not here with us yet he always reminds me that he is in control and he knows the best time for you to join us. When I get impatient and I stress because I want to hold you so bad he calms me down and I'm reminded that he will give me strength and grace I need while I wait for you. He has such big plans for your life I can't wait to see them unfold. I don't even know your name yet and I love you so much. When I hold you in my arms for the first time I think I may burst from joy!! Daddy and I can't wait to make you an Easter Basket! Daddy says I'm a chocolate snob and that I'm picky about my chocolate. I am but we are lucky to live close to 2 of the best chocolate/candy shops in the area. So every year once you can eat it I will get you a big chocolate egg just like my Pap used to get me. But you have to share with mama!! Every year we color Easter eggs with the family you will love it we have such a great time. The whole family can't wait to meet you. Lauren told me the other day she wants to be called Aunt Lauren even though she is your cousin. She said "No, I will be called Aunt Lauren!"  I'll warn you that there will be tons of pictures of you wearing adorable Easter gear. You'll have pictures with Mommy and Daddy,Violet and Ellie and Grandma and Grandpa Cisco and we can't forget Aunt Morgan and your cousin Malik! I think I've already told you I plan to wallpaper the house with your pictures. I'm really not kidding! I love you so very much and I can't wait to hold your tiny hands in mine and tell you in person how much I love you.

Happy Easter my precious little one
Love, Mama

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Roller Coaster....

So your standing in line and your excited but a little nervous too. You sit down in the car and all seems good you start off slow and then it begins to pick up a bit. Then it gets faster and faster and your climbing a really big hill you look around and wow you're really high up there. Then all of a sudden you go rushing down a big huge hill to the bottom. Your stomach feels like it is still up on top of that big hill, you almost feel like you might get sick. Then it starts all over again. Well, if your me you get off the roller coaster and you do puke! This is what it's like while your waiting to adopt. It's a big huge roller coaster. You make the big decision to actually adopt and then you're excited and very hopeful. Then you begin waiting and you get really excited when you know your profile is being shown and very excited when you get emails about possible matches. Then you hold your breath and pray and wait on pins and needles while you wait to see if you are chosen. Then you find out that another couple was chosen and your back at square one.

It had been a while since we had any possible matches or emails about possibilities. Because of a very hard situation that occurred a little while back I had purposely tried very hard to not even think about adoption. That's a hard thing to do but I had gotten to the point where I was really handling it all really well. When you are walking in faith and believing for something you are believing for something that you cannot see. You are believing that what you don't see will exist. Getting to that point where you believe that in your heart and you can't be persuaded otherwise can take some time. Just last week we received an email about another possibility. Up the roller coaster again... It takes extreme patience and faith while your waiting to find out if you are chosen. You get excited and then you start thinking about all of the possible ways that this could all go down. Pins and needles time again. I am so thankful that I have gotten to the place where my faith is persuaded that no matter what this outcome is God is faithful and he is preparing our child for us even as I type this. He knows who they will be and he knows every hair on there head and oh the plans he has for them!!

There is a song that I love called "Before The Morning" and one part of it says:

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Disney with no kids????

Things have been very quiet lately no much going on in the world of adoption. We are now at the 6 month mark and I'm doing ok. I've been keeping myself very busy which makes it easier and harder at the same time. One day I have a landscaper here the next day a contractor to build a fence I think Ryan is afraid of what he may come home to next! I told him if we lived in the country I'd have the Amish here building me a horse barn! He mentally checked off never moving to the country! Having other things to look forward to besides the baby is great. Not that thinking and praying about the baby goes away (it never does) it just makes it easier. So about 5 months months ago a very good friend of mine and her boyfriend asked us if we wanted to go to Disney World with them. I love going away, going anywhere! But we said no because back then May sounded like years away and ocourse we could have the baby by then. So months went by and after we had a very major disappointment last month I told Ryan we need to get out of here! I would have literally boarded an airplane bound for anywhere on the Earth. So on May 6th we are off to Disney World. People have asked me why we would want to go there with no children Ryan even felt that way for a while. Honestly, it will just be nice to be away for a while. But besides that I am a kid at heart and who couldn't have fun at Disney?? Believe me kids may not be going with us but we have many requests for souvenirs from all the kids in our lives already.

I started realizing I was saying no to a lot of things. When you are waiting for something you want so bad it can very easily take over your life. You can live in "What ifs." That's not how I want to live my life. How can you truly have faith that something is going to happen when you say no to everything else besides what your waiting for? God is so good he has really given me a peace lately that I can really latch onto. Life will not always be easy and I have no idea when our baby is coming. I may have days that are harder than others and there will be some days that I can't think about anything else but the baby. However, I also remind myself everyday that my God does exceedingly, abundantly more than I could ever ask for or imagine! So I will go and have an exceedingly good time in Disney!