Vacation!!

So we are back from vacation. It was so needed. I really made my very best effort to not think about adoption or anything for that matter. I feel like I did really well too considering we knew that an expectant mother was looking at our profile. We are still waiting to find out what that outcome will be. I will say when you are trying to suspend reality Disney World is the place to do it! I felt like a little kid it was truly one of the best vacations that we have ever been on. We went to all 4 of the parks and spent 2 days at Universal. Ryan had always thought that he wouldn't have fun there without kids, he was wrong! He had a blast he rode every ride at least once. I can vomit at the drop of a hat so I don't ride much so I enjoyed the air conditioned gift shops while everyone else rode the crazy rides that I couldn't handle. I found myself thinking about our future children. How could I not there are children everywhere! However, I didn't find myself getting sad I kept thinking and planning what we would do when we go back with our kids. I had so much fun I can't imagine how much fun it will be seeing it through my children's eyes.

We spent the last 2 days of vacation going to Universal. Honestly, after being at Disney, Universal looked like a local community park in comparison. But they do have some really cool things there. I was thrilled to see Seuss Landing. It is an entire section filled with rides and shops dedicated to Dr. Seuss. I love Dr. Seuss and the baby's room is decorated in Dr. Seuss so that was fun. The rides in that area were also very mild so I could ride them!

As wonderful as vacation was it does feel good to get back to things at home. I feel refreshed and I am excited about what our future holds!

Happy Easter Precious One

My precious baby,

Today is Easter and I am thinking about you a lot. Today we celebrate Jesus and what he has done for us. I can't help but cry when I think about what he did for us. Not just what he did but what he continues to do for me. When I get sad because you're not here with us yet he always reminds me that he is in control and he knows the best time for you to join us. When I get impatient and I stress because I want to hold you so bad he calms me down and I'm reminded that he will give me strength and grace I need while I wait for you. He has such big plans for your life I can't wait to see them unfold. I don't even know your name yet and I love you so much. When I hold you in my arms for the first time I think I may burst from joy!! Daddy and I can't wait to make you an Easter Basket! Daddy says I'm a chocolate snob and that I'm picky about my chocolate. I am but we are lucky to live close to 2 of the best chocolate/candy shops in the area. So every year once you can eat it I will get you a big chocolate egg just like my Pap used to get me. But you have to share with mama!! Every year we color Easter eggs with the family you will love it we have such a great time. The whole family can't wait to meet you. Lauren told me the other day she wants to be called Aunt Lauren even though she is your cousin. She said "No, I will be called Aunt Lauren!"  I'll warn you that there will be tons of pictures of you wearing adorable Easter gear. You'll have pictures with Mommy and Daddy,Violet and Ellie and Grandma and Grandpa Cisco and we can't forget Aunt Morgan and your cousin Malik! I think I've already told you I plan to wallpaper the house with your pictures. I'm really not kidding! I love you so very much and I can't wait to hold your tiny hands in mine and tell you in person how much I love you.

Happy Easter my precious little one
Love, Mama

Roller Coaster....

So your standing in line and your excited but a little nervous too. You sit down in the car and all seems good you start off slow and then it begins to pick up a bit. Then it gets faster and faster and your climbing a really big hill you look around and wow you're really high up there. Then all of a sudden you go rushing down a big huge hill to the bottom. Your stomach feels like it is still up on top of that big hill, you almost feel like you might get sick. Then it starts all over again. Well, if your me you get off the roller coaster and you do puke! This is what it's like while your waiting to adopt. It's a big huge roller coaster. You make the big decision to actually adopt and then you're excited and very hopeful. Then you begin waiting and you get really excited when you know your profile is being shown and very excited when you get emails about possible matches. Then you hold your breath and pray and wait on pins and needles while you wait to see if you are chosen. Then you find out that another couple was chosen and your back at square one.

It had been a while since we had any possible matches or emails about possibilities. Because of a very hard situation that occurred a little while back I had purposely tried very hard to not even think about adoption. That's a hard thing to do but I had gotten to the point where I was really handling it all really well. When you are walking in faith and believing for something you are believing for something that you cannot see. You are believing that what you don't see will exist. Getting to that point where you believe that in your heart and you can't be persuaded otherwise can take some time. Just last week we received an email about another possibility. Up the roller coaster again... It takes extreme patience and faith while your waiting to find out if you are chosen. You get excited and then you start thinking about all of the possible ways that this could all go down. Pins and needles time again. I am so thankful that I have gotten to the place where my faith is persuaded that no matter what this outcome is God is faithful and he is preparing our child for us even as I type this. He knows who they will be and he knows every hair on there head and oh the plans he has for them!!

There is a song that I love called "Before The Morning" and one part of it says:

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Chorus:
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

Disney with no kids????

Things have been very quiet lately no much going on in the world of adoption. We are now at the 6 month mark and I'm doing ok. I've been keeping myself very busy which makes it easier and harder at the same time. One day I have a landscaper here the next day a contractor to build a fence I think Ryan is afraid of what he may come home to next! I told him if we lived in the country I'd have the Amish here building me a horse barn! He mentally checked off never moving to the country! Having other things to look forward to besides the baby is great. Not that thinking and praying about the baby goes away (it never does) it just makes it easier. So about 5 months months ago a very good friend of mine and her boyfriend asked us if we wanted to go to Disney World with them. I love going away, going anywhere! But we said no because back then May sounded like years away and ocourse we could have the baby by then. So months went by and after we had a very major disappointment last month I told Ryan we need to get out of here! I would have literally boarded an airplane bound for anywhere on the Earth. So on May 6th we are off to Disney World. People have asked me why we would want to go there with no children Ryan even felt that way for a while. Honestly, it will just be nice to be away for a while. But besides that I am a kid at heart and who couldn't have fun at Disney?? Believe me kids may not be going with us but we have many requests for souvenirs from all the kids in our lives already.

I started realizing I was saying no to a lot of things. When you are waiting for something you want so bad it can very easily take over your life. You can live in "What ifs." That's not how I want to live my life. How can you truly have faith that something is going to happen when you say no to everything else besides what your waiting for? God is so good he has really given me a peace lately that I can really latch onto. Life will not always be easy and I have no idea when our baby is coming. I may have days that are harder than others and there will be some days that I can't think about anything else but the baby. However, I also remind myself everyday that my God does exceedingly, abundantly more than I could ever ask for or imagine! So I will go and have an exceedingly good time in Disney!

I am convinced people mean well....

  If you have never adopted or known anyone who adopted you really have no idea what goes on and what it is like for them. I had no idea really, I knew that it must be very hard and emotional. That is quite an understatement actually. For the most part we have received wonderful support and guidance. I am blessed to know people who have been down the same road as we are on. They have given me great advice and support. I think that sometimes people don't know what to say. They think they may hurt your feelings I guess. I can understand not knowing what to say. It's almost like when someone dies and you tell that persons friend or loved one "I'm so sorry." Well why are you sorry you didn't kill them. But that's just what we say. Like I said I totally understand not knowing what to say. However, sometimes you just want to scream, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Well, I will add this caveat to that statement (sometimes not acknowledging at all that someone is adopting is just as hurtful as saying mean things.

These are some things that have been said to us. I am not documenting these because I am angry or mad at the people that said them. People simply don't understand adoption and they don't know what to say or sometimes how to act around someone who is adopting. So, hopefully through communication we can help people understand it better.


1. "Why can't you have babies? What is wrong with you?
If you are close enough to someone you know why they are adopting. If you're not that close or you are just an aquaintance you don't ask questions like that!!

2. "Can't you just find a teenager who is having a baby and just adopt their baby?"
That's not how it works. Adoption is not a lifetime movie it's not something that can be wrapped up tightly in a hour and a half.

3. "You will probably get pregnant now that you are adopting  baby."
This is such a hurtful statement. I realize that this happens and I have read many accounts of adoptions where this has happened. However, I am not adopting a baby as some sort of "lucky charm" that will help me get pregnant!!

4. "I'm so sorry you won't have real kids"
Please, please, please if you have this though in your head do whatever you can to clamp your mouth shut and not say this outloud to someone!! It is beyond rude and insensitive. Giving birth to a child doesn't make that child more real to you than a child that you adopted.

 I'm not going to lie when I hear some of these things I get angry. But it also make me realize how little people know about adoption. It is just more common for us to understand childbirth as a means to becoming parents. But that's not the only way it happens. There are over 120,000 children in America alone that don't have a home and are available for adoption. So my advice is to above all think before you say anything (that should be a given all the time, no matter who we talk to huh?) If your not sure what to say to someone who is adopting just tell them Congratulations! Wouldn't you say that to someone who is pregnant? If you don't know what adoption is like ask them they will be happy to explain it to you!

5 months.....

The past couple weeks have been extremely intense and emotionally exhausting. We were waiting to find out about a baby and we became very attached to this one. How can you get so attached to someone you have never met you ask? Well, it is very hard to explain but it happens. This possibility felt so real it was almost tangible. I get excited every time we get an email about a possible match. How could you not? That "possible match" could be my child. I want them to know that I was so excited about them from the moment I heard about them. Balancing that excitement-hope is where you have to have faith and strength. We will get a phone call if we are matched with a baby. So for the past 2 weeks anytime the phone rang I held my breath and silently and sometimes not so silently groaned when I knew it wasn't our social worker. Sorry for those of you who heard me say "Oh, it's just you!" We get an email when we aren't chosen. I got that email about this particular baby last week. We have had numerous emails just like this one but this "no" hurt very badly. I am so grateful for God and his peace that brought Ryan and I through this one.

Our social worker reminded me that God's timing is perfect all the time. I know that is true because of Ryan. I met Ryan in God's time. I waited for many, many years for Ryan and many times told God how ready I was to be married and begged him to let it happen soon. All I can say is THANK GOD FOR HIS PERFECT TIMING! If I wouldn't have waited I wouldn't have Ryan. God's timing was perfect then and it will be perfect this time too. He did it then and he will do it again. We have been officially waiting 5 months 2 days and about 16 hours now. I have no idea when we will meet our baby but I have absolute faith that God does. He has numbered every hair on our child's head and he has a tremendous plan and purpose for them.

So if you're "waiting" on something know that God's timing is perfect timing. That doesn't mean it won't be hard while you wait and that doesn't mean you won't shed some tears. It means you have an advocate on your side that has it all planned out for you!

A friend shared this excerpt with me from a book that she was reading. I think it sums it up pretty well!

WAITING is difficult. Waiting for a wayward child to return to God, waiting for a decision on a new career opportunity, waiting for the results of medical tests -- we spend a lot of time waiting. Life would be much easier if God acted according to our timetable!

However, when I look back over my life, I see that times of waiting were also times of great spiritual growth. While I was waiting, I learned to pray for the wayward child and I began to look at my own life in light of what God wanted for me. Over the days and years I opened my life to God and began to trust God's decisions and timing. I also learned that I do not always have the right answers and that God's ideas are better than I could ever imagine.

If I never had to wait, I would have no need for hope in God and I would say fewer prayers for God's guidance. In times of waiting, I have learned about God's faithfulness and found strength for the next challenge in my life. I trust God because my experience tells me that God has been faithful in the past and will continue to be faithful in the future.

Marie Willner (Florida, U.S.A.)

February over already??

I cannot believe that February us over already. We have a weird relationship with 'time" these days. On one hand I want time to fly so it is "time" for our baby to arrive. However, on the other hand once we get our beautiful baby I want time to stand still! We can't have it both ways can we? This past weekend we had our nieces and nephews with us. We always have such a great time with them.  Watching them grow really makes you realize how fast time goes....

Wearing their "How to Train Your Dragon" costumes taking a time out.

We took the kids to see Gnomeo and Juliet. 2 adults, and 4 kids at a 3D matinee movie $53.00! But it was all worth it! It was one of the best kids movies I have ever seen. It was really adorable although I must admit I went into it having an affinity for Gnomes!

Aren't they adorable?? I hope March is a great month for everyone. Maybe a month for dreams to come true!!