You never know.

So we were in a car accident yesterday. Praise God we are just fine! Someone hit the back of our car while going pretty fast may I say! Nobody was hurt in either car and Allstate is already on the ball!

As we go through this process to adopt we have heard such heartbreaking stories. Often we get information about a birth mother and her personal situation about why she is placing her child for adoption. We've had our profile shown several times and those mothers chose other families to adopt their children. We've also decided several times to not have our profile shown to birth mothers because we knew that the situation was not right for us. If you wonder it hurts just as bad when you decide not to have your profile shown as it does when your not chosen.

We often get some very personal information about the mothers and sometimes the fathers. Heartbreaking does not come close to some of the stories we've been told. Intense drug and alcohol use, rape, homelessness and babies born addicted. It's easy to get angry with the birth mothers and say "How could you do this to your precious baby?" These thoughts have crossed my mind and have come out of my mouth. Yes there needs to be accountability but you don't turn into a drug addict or alcoholic over night. These mothers have gone through intense hurt and pain in their lives.

This has opened my eyes in so many ways. These mothers and babies that we hear about could be the woman next door, the young girl in high-school, the woman in the cubicle next to you. You never know the hurt and pain that someone is enduring. I think about these babies and their mothers everyday. I pray for them and ask God to put people in their paths that will help them and show them the support they need.

Now What?

Everyone always says while you wait for your placement do the things you can't do once you have children. Sounds great but I want to do the things you can do with children. I can't wait to go to Disney, sorry Ryan we will be going there! I keep trying to convince Ry that we need to go to Italy now! But that's not responsible spending that kind of money when we need it for the adoption. So what am I doing? What will I do? Well, there's school have to finish that still proud that I got through college again in my thirties! I also love working on my nursery. I"ll post some pics soon. I'm doing a Dr. Seuss theme and my Aunt has helped me paint a mural on one of the walls. It's adorable and very gender neutral. I read books about parenting, read up on the latest trends in baby stuff and ask mothers about what has worked for them. Sometimes I just enjoy time alone having nothing to do at all. My time in prayer has been great, I've found such comfort and peace in my alone time with God this process is growing our faith so much and I'm grateful for that. I'm also getting excited about the upcoming holidays. I love this season. I love spending time with my family and friends. My best friend is getting married in December and I am thrilled I can't wait! I've been listening to Christmas music for weeks now. As I sing along to the music and organize my plan of attack for decorating, I say a prayer that this is the last Christmas we will spend without a baby. So these are some of the things that I will be doing while I wait. It may not be a trip to Italy or Disney but I can start planning for those trips now and I"ll be planning for at least 3 travelers !! :)

Bad Day

I promised myself when I started this I would be honest about everything. I would write about how things really are and I how I really feel. I would not make things look better than they really are. So with that said, I am not having a great day! I don't care how much faith you have in God, having faith does not equal no feelings. Things will still hurt. Our profile was being shown to two mothers who are placing their precious babies for adoption. This has happened several times now and everytime I know we are being shown I get excited. I feel that I must get excited why couldn't we be the ones who get "the call"? In the back of my mind I do prepare myself that we may not be chosen. I tell myself that God knows who my babies will be, he knows every hair on their head and has a divine destiny planned for them. And I truly believe that.

However, that doesn't make it easier when you find out that you were not chosen. It's like that not being chosen for something during gym class feeling but magnified 10,000 times. I have to constantly tell myself that there is nothing wrong with me or Ryan.  I'm sure I drive our social worker crazy with my questions like "What didn't she like about us?", I promise her that  I will try to stop asking that, (I will try!). The first time this happened I tried to rethink everything we did. Was the profile book ok?, did I put the right pictures in it?, what if they don't like dogs? etc etc etc. Then when I calm down and find peace I realize that I'm being crazy!

The old me would be very bitter and jealous towards the family that does get picked. But now I am truly so happy for them because I know how they feel. I know how it feels to wait for that call or hit the refresh button on your email so many times you think it may break off! We are all in this journey together and you can't feel anything but overjoyed for them.

I hope it gets easier each time, I look at it this way: Each time we get information about a mother and her baby we are sometimes told intimate details about their lives. Sometimes the stories are heartbreaking. Whether we are chosen or not I have the honor to pray for the mothers and their babies in specific ways that I couldn't otherwise.

I have decided that each time our profile is shown and we are not chosen I will buy something for the baby! Lookout Target here I come!!

I never knew.

Anytime I have ever thought about adoption or met someone who adopted or was placed for adoption I thought "Wow how hard that must be for everyone involved." Boy was I wrong! Hard does not come close to describing how it feels. Now I am only speaking as someone who is going to adopt a child. I can't even fathom how it is for someone who is faced with the decision of placing a child for adoption. We knew that this would not be an easy journey. We prayed and knew that this was what we were meant to do. We got armed with our faith in God and support from our family and best friends. Paper work-check, Home Study-check, birth parent letter-check, profile books-check, web profile-check, approved-check, waiting....................

Ryan is armed with the patience of Job, which comes in handy married to an excitable Italian like myself.  My patience however is somewhat lacking lets say.  I decided to start writing about this journey for several reasons. 1. Maybe my journey can help others. 2. It has already changed me in many ways and I can't wait to see how I have grown spiritually and personally when the journey comes to an end.

I will end my 1st post (because I am ignoring math homework I have) by saying this. I do not know how anyone could go through the adoption process without knowing God. You will face emotions and challenges that you never knew existed. If I didn't have faith in God I never would have got this far. I wouldn't have made it through the paperwork let alone waiting to see if we are chosen to adopt precious babies. Having faith in God doesn't mean that I don't have bad days or don't have feelings. There are days when I hurt so bad I want to lock myself in my bedroom and cry. Don't get me started on how I feel when I go to Wal-Mart! I know Ryan is afraid he will come home one day and see several small children and I"ll tell him I got them out of aisle 5 in Wal-Mart (I kid, I kid). However, having faith in God keeps me from laying in my bed crying, it keeps me alive with hope and promises because I serve a God that does not lie!