I promised myself when I started this I would be honest about everything. I would write about how things really are and I how I really feel. I would not make things look better than they really are. So with that said, I am not having a great day! I don't care how much faith you have in God, having faith does not equal no feelings. Things will still hurt. Our profile was being shown to two mothers who are placing their precious babies for adoption. This has happened several times now and everytime I know we are being shown I get excited. I feel that I must get excited why couldn't we be the ones who get "the call"? In the back of my mind I do prepare myself that we may not be chosen. I tell myself that God knows who my babies will be, he knows every hair on their head and has a divine destiny planned for them. And I truly believe that.
However, that doesn't make it easier when you find out that you were not chosen. It's like that not being chosen for something during gym class feeling but magnified 10,000 times. I have to constantly tell myself that there is nothing wrong with me or Ryan. I'm sure I drive our social worker crazy with my questions like "What didn't she like about us?", I promise her that I will try to stop asking that, (I will try!). The first time this happened I tried to rethink everything we did. Was the profile book ok?, did I put the right pictures in it?, what if they don't like dogs? etc etc etc. Then when I calm down and find peace I realize that I'm being crazy!
The old me would be very bitter and jealous towards the family that does get picked. But now I am truly so happy for them because I know how they feel. I know how it feels to wait for that call or hit the refresh button on your email so many times you think it may break off! We are all in this journey together and you can't feel anything but overjoyed for them.
I hope it gets easier each time, I look at it this way: Each time we get information about a mother and her baby we are sometimes told intimate details about their lives. Sometimes the stories are heartbreaking. Whether we are chosen or not I have the honor to pray for the mothers and their babies in specific ways that I couldn't otherwise.
I have decided that each time our profile is shown and we are not chosen I will buy something for the baby! Lookout Target here I come!!